Noah and His Pet Rock People

This pretty much sums up
the movie Noah for me (this is a picture
from the movie). I preferred
Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster
in 4th grade.

I realized I never talked about the movie Noah.

There were a million (I’ve told you a thousand times not exaggerate!!) Christian commentators, spokespeople, media people, that saying it’s my Christian duty to see Noah, you know, for “The Cause”.

I watched it recently. I really wish I could say “I rented it because I was falling down drunk”, but alas, I cannot use drunkenness as an excuse for wasting two hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Even at Redbox I felt like I got ripped off.

No – I was at the ranch (a friend’s). I went to Redbox in a small town and there wasn’t much else (if only I’d rented My Little Pony!! Then life would be all good).

Things to know about one of the worst movies movie ever:

If this had been a rock person from Noah,
I wouldn’t have thought it was any dumber than
the real thing. But I would have
found it infinitely more enjoyable.

1. Two words: Rock people. Need I say more?
Ever wonder why no rock people in the previews of Noah? The answer is NOT because there are no rock people in the Bible. No no no! It’s because if anyone knew about the rock people, no one with an ounce of sense would have gone to see the movie.

I’d be embarrassed beyond belief to be associated with this movie.

2. It’s a stupid story (Sorry! I know! There’s the “S” word!)
The Bible story isn’t stupid. The epic, grandiose 2014 “little-resemblance-to-the-Bible” movie is the stupid one. Because (just a few of the many reasons):

         a. Aforementioned rock people.
         b. Noah doesn’t make it in the ark as the storm starts, but some gluttonous buffoon does, and Percy Jackson (Noah’s son) nurses the buffoon back to health.
        c.  Hermione has escaped “he who must not be named” at Hogwarts and gives birth to twins. Who Noah wants to murder.
        d. Did I mention rock people helped build the ark?

3. Everyone in the movie is a subject of the Queen of England.
This doesn’t actually make it the dumbest movie ever. But it did make me laugh. I kept thinking Frodo or Harry Potter or Mary Poppins was going to pop in for a spot of tea. Oh wait – Noah actually did have a spot of tea – with SIR Anthony Hopkins – somewhere in the middle of this dreadful movie.

Wait a minute – now that I think of it, Noah’s wife didn’t have a British accent. Who let her in?

4. Horrid special effects (rock people I mean).
I LOVE Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer. Have ever since I was about age 4. That is fantastic entertainment. And I’d love it if it was made just the same in 2014. Because it’s cute and the special effects are just right for it. The special effects for the rock people are horrible (flood effects are good, but didn’t make up for the rest of the movie).

5. It’s theological rubbish. 
Hardly worth mentioning. It’s not like this movie is a threat to Christianity. It’s much too silly. But what do you expect from an atheist director who bragged that Noah would be “the least biblical biblical film ever made,” according to The Telegraph? We were forewarned.
6. It makes Christians say preposterous things.
Some say “you can’t criticize the movie it if you haven’t seen it”. That is so silly. Does that mean I can’t criticize wife beating or heroin until I’ve tried both?  

Others, who work in Hollywood, think Hollywood may be Christianity’s lifeline, think God needs a leg up from Hollywood to accomplish His purposes, etc, say I “have to see it” because it will get Hollywood to make more “Christian” movies. That’s just rubbish. The truth is, if too many people saw Noah, the message Hollywood would get is that “Christians are tasteless boors who love really awful movies”.  

The Takeaway:
Just because some Christian media people, or pastors, or anyone else for that matter, says you need to go see a movie for “The Cause” or “to be a better person” or whatever reason, doesn’t mean you have to. God has given no mandate for “must see” movie viewing. And you don’t even have to give a reason for not going. Really. No reason necessary! God’s not going to be mad, and you’re not a “bad Christian” if you don’t go.

In fact, in this case, it means you’re just a good steward of the money God has entrusted to you.

If you haven’t, see God’s Not Dead. I really love it.

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